NOTE2SELF

Bad days can be extremely overpowering sometimes.

When I’m having a bad day, everything feels wrong and the day seems to get even worse as I sink further into frustration and despair. By the end of the day, all I want to do is pull the covers up over my head and block it all out. 

I know for sure that I have to make a habit of reminding myself of a few important things that I think every one tends to forget.
NOTING. TO. SELF.
DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT TRULY MATTERS.
Is the heavy traffic end of the world? will a silly comment kill me? When I’m having a bad day, I seem to zoom in on petty things and complain about them.
Next time… I’ll be pulling my hair out over something, I’ll ask myself first if it really matters. 
 
IT IS OKAY TO BE ALONE OR PULL BACK FROM THE WORLD.
Sometimes we just need to step back and re-evaluate a situation, a relationship, or just life in general.
I am now… spending a lot of time alone as I try to become my own best friend again. 
 
I AM NOT ALWAYS IN CONTROL.
I cannot predict when certain things will or should happen, or how everything will turn out. 
 
I will now… stop pushing and let go. Just go with it. 
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK IS IRRELEVANT.
I am a miserable slave to the opinions of others. It gets to a point where I am trying so hard to please everyone but myself.
And now… I will do whatever feels right to me, regardless of what other people have to say about it. 
DO NOT GIVE UP. 
If I’m fighting for something that means a lot to me, I wouldn’t stop fighting whenever I happen to fall short. I’ll remember why I am fighting for it.
Enough Said. 
 
I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
No one ever has life all figured out. We are always learning and growing. Life itself is a mystery and it’s okay to feel clueless sometimes.
That’s It… Truth to be told. 
 
I AM ENOUGH. 
All of us have had times in our lives where we have thought, “I’m not smart enough or pretty enough or strong enough or exciting enough to do _____.”
Moving forward… I’ll be giving myself a chance instead of forming limiting beliefs. 
 
STAY PRESENT. 
I’ll try my very best not to dwell in the past nor worry about the future.
Now… Taking everything one day at a time. 
 
MY FEELINGS WILL NOT KILL ME.
I know that heartbreak, grief, depression, or resentment might make me feel like I’m dead and breathing, but I know that I have the strength to get through whatever life throws at me. 
Throw away… I’m ready! 
 
I AM HUMAN.
This is probably the biggest reminder of them all. I will make mistakes. I will hurt other people and other people will hurt me. I won’t always feel happy and positive. Next time I feel the urge to beat myself up over any of these things, I’ll remind myself that I am an imperfect human being instead.
All is said… so, Help Me God.

HOLD ON

When in a relationship, the words “I’m holding on to you forever” is turned into a cliche.

When we found that one person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, we take all sorts of risks to keep them. And sometimes, even if you’re in the brink of letting go, you hear that little voice give you a little bit of encouragement and then you think: Okay I’m holding on.

Because it’s worth holding on to.

And for people who evnetually have been let go (I have been that person), we say, “I still want to hold on.” Maybe because of the simple hope that one day, while we hold on to their shoes while we’re at the edge of the cliff, they would see us and decide to take us back.

Or they can make us see the cold reality. They let us slip from holding on to their shoes, and let us die. They let us fall off from the cliff. Not knowing, that it would not just kill us emotionally, but that we may never be able to get up again.

And worse Love agin.

Some of us are just lucky to be able to get up. Lucky to make it up again. Lucky to find someone again. Lucky to love again. And maybe, find us the right ones.

But for some, why are the right ones the ones who turn out to break their hearts?

I couldn’t help but wonder… When did finding the right one become wrong?

Are we willing to put all out emotions at stake when we know that one day this might not just work? That one day we might just end up alone, and one day we’d be back in the market, looking for another buyer? And that the process just might never end?

Until the right one comes?

When is that going to happen? Aren’t we all afraid to end up alone, but at the same time, aren’t we all so afraid of getting hurt over and over and over?

with my deepest sigh… “Love… And all its complexities.”

that thing called crack

Sometimes, things are meant to be broken. 

And sometimes, they’re meant to stay broken.

Doesn’t change the fact that they were once there.

BUT If they’re worth it, you can piece them back together… with the perfect balance of patience, motivation, love and faith. Although it will never be as it was, but it will be better. You will look at it, and be pleased. It may look fragile, but it will be stronger. Every crack unfilled will remind you of parts that will no longer be there.

Parts that used to be there.

But that’s the beauty of it. At least you’ll have something to think about. It’s stronger proof that it was once there.The things we no longer see, make the memory of once having them stronger. Allowing them to live forever.

Although it will be a bit painful seeing those cracks, wishing you had done better from preventing them from happening you’ll know it happened for a reason.

Think about it. Would you rather have this, broken and all? Or not have it all?

Would it be more painful to not have known that something like this exists? Skip the heartbreak of seeing something so beautiful shatter? Or live with the fact that you had the joy of seeing its existing right before your very eyes? Breathing it in? Touching it with your own hands?

You find yourself walking down the street with a smug look on your face knowing that no one can take this away from you. People say its a crack. People say you will carry it forever.

You bet I will

                                             04.07.2012

                                             04.07.2012

                                      SAFE and SOUND

Some things are changing

Some things are not meant to be said.

Some things are changing.

Some things are better kept to self.

Some things are changing.

Some things are complicated.

Some things are changing.

Some things are better left as they are.

Some things are changing.

I am changing.

                Fuckin’ Perfect - Boyce Avenue acoustic cover

"You’re so mean, When you talk about yourself, You are wrong. 

Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead.”


right OR wrong

A Dear friend’s BBM status read:

                           ”When you know you’re right… fight for it”

But what if it comes to a point when a part of you says you are right, but also a part of you says you are wrong? Should you continue fighting for it?

I encountered situations when people judged me for standing for what I believe in. What made me overcome those are my complete belief that I am right (or that I have a point, at least), and the friends who backed me up and confirmed my belief. In these kinds of scenario, even if I don’t succeed, at least I’ll feel good about myself in the end because I know I did the right thing. I will be at ease somehow.

It becomes more complicated when there’s a part of me that says I’m wrong. I will not give up the fight immediately, especially since there’s still a part that says I’m right. The “feeling good in the end”, however, will not come because I myself am confused. And this will surely leave me feeling disturbed.

Recently, I realized that when you’re right, you won’t feel you’re wrong.When you’re wrong, you may still feel you’re right. So when you feel you’re wrong (even if it’s only a part of you that says so), chances are you ARE wrong. You get me?

I’ve always been the type who hates being told what to do. I welcome suggestions, yes. But I don’t want impositions. If I don’t believe that it’s something I ought to do, then I won’t do it. If I believe from the bottom of my heart that I have a strong point, I will make sure to get that across. I will not be dictated on what I should or should not do. In the same way that I will not apologize for something that is not my fault. 

PRIDE is often the culprit. It’s often the part of you, along with intense emotions… that says you’re right even when you’re not. It’s the part of you that makes it difficult to admit your mistakes.

When you come to this point, don’t be mad at yourself for not being able to swallow your pride that fast. You need time to pause. You need time to breathe. You need time to think things through. You might need a change of environment, you might need to isolate yourself, you might need to get away from someone. Do whatever you need to reflect and come up with rational decisions. But before all these can be done, you have to forgive yourself. Everyone commits mistakes, it’s admitting them and learning from them that will matter.

If you’re not at peace with what you did, then there must have been something wrong. It may be something small or trivial, but still, it’s wrong, and so you have to make it right… not only because it will make you feel good, but because it IS right. You wouldn’t want to be left disturbed all your life, would you?

And yes, this is me… giving myself a piece of advice

Happy Ending

SMS received: “… never ako maniniwala na may happy ending” words that undeniably struck me.

These were the exact same words I uttered a couple of years back, when my partner & I of almost 4 years broke up. For one to say these bitter strong words, you’ve guessed that right! It must have been a nasty break-up. 

That certain SMS made me think… Do I believe in Happy Ending? and then there goes the pondering… Will I ever love again and hope for a happy ending with that person? Will that time come when I will be able to say the words “I’m Happy” and this time it’s for real?

*crickets* *crickets*

I answered.

Every love gone wrong is one step closer to your own true love…

Yes. And I can’t wait to meet my Happy Ending! ♥

This is me,

Forgetting what’s gone.

Appreciating what’s left.

Looking forward to what’s next

Personal Journal Entry: 03.02.2012